Standards
by kydasam
Summary: A series of drabbles where Carl and Van Helsing have a discussion about standards. A reprint of the original series
1. Chapter 1

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

* * *

**Standards**

_"No! I won't do it!"_

"Why not? You did it yesterday."

_"Don't bring that up! It's not fair! I wasn't...right...yesterday?"_

"Hmph, you mean you were soused out of your mind?"

_"In a manner of speaking. Crudely speaking!"_

"I see...so if I got you drunk again, you would have no difficulty doing it?"

_"Hah! You're not going to **get** me drunk again! I'm on to your obvious ploys!"_

"...'Obvious ploys'? Did you really say that with a straight face?"

_"What's wrong with it? It's apt! You **are** plotting something, it's in your eyes. Your evil, beady eyes!"_

"Beady?"

_"Yes...they bead! Eyes can bead! Yours bead!"_

"I'm mortified."

_"Hah again! I think you'd like to believe that you're wicked and sinful. And you know what the Cardinal would say."_

"I shudder to think."

_"I'll bet you do. Cardinal Jinette would put the wind up a mule's arse!"_

"Up a...I can't believe you said that."

_"Well it's true, don't deny it."_

"I'm not denying it, I just can't believe that you, of all people would say it!"

_"Why? I can curse...I can be quite unwholesome."_

Van Helsing shook his head as he eyed his friend standing, arms crossed over his chest, blue eyes snapping, the curled-up ends of his odd haircut twitching with ire. Any minute, he'd be tapping his foot.

"So," Van Helsing sighed, "I guess that your singing 'I'm a Little Teapot' again is out?"

_"Double damned straight! I have my standards!" _Carl declared virtuously, forgetting his claims of unwholesomeness, and turned back to his book with vindicated smugness.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

* * *

**Standards of Propriety**

**_A conversation overheard by a Vatican guard after Van Helsing and Carl emerge from Jinettes apartments_**.

"Thank you, Carl. I know that couldn't have been pleasant."

_"Pleasant?" _the blond man considered, tapping his lips with one finger before apparently making a decision._ "No, not pleasant. Actually, I'd rank it right up there with having a bear bugger me silly."_

"What!" Van Helsings explosive snort made the few people passing by hurry a little faster. "Carl!"

_"What? You don't think its apt? I stood there and watched my best friend..."_

"Best friend?" Van Helsing interrupted softly, surprised.

_"Yes, of course!" _Carl huffed, waving his hand in irritation._ "Don't interrupt me just when I'm getting a good head of steam up. Now...oh yes...just when my best friend decides to take leave of his senses and demands the personification of ill-humor on earth..."_

"Jinette?" Van Helsing hazarded a guess.

_"Of course Jinette. I don't mean Dracula! There are standards of propriety, you know! You stood there and practically dared him to throw you into the dungeon. Oh, oh! And let's not forget the crack about rubbing bellies!"_

"You don't think he needs to have his belly rubbed? Might calm him down."

_"Really, Van Helsing! You have the survival instincts of a suicidal lemming! You're as loopy as a fruit bat! You're six ants short of a hill! You're..."_

"I get the picture, Carl. No need to trot out the whole animal kingdom."

_"I begged you not to do it! Practically got down on my knees and begged you! But would you listen to me...?"_

"I'm listening now," Van Helsing resignedly sighed, then yelped when Carl kicked him--hard--in the shin.

_"You have **no** idea how badly I've wanted to do that," _the friar snorted._ "Fair warning...next time I aim for the brains."_

"I didn't know you could kick that high," came the petulant reply.

_"I meant the ones you keep in your pants," _the friar replied frostily before stalking off.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: You would need to read Standards 1 and 2 to have this one make sense

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Gold Standard (****_Carl learns Silence is Golden!_**) () 

_(POKE POKE) "Do you think I look fat?"_

"Mmmm...what..."

_(NUDGE, SHAKE) "I said...Do you think I look fat?"_

"Carl, it's not even dawn yet...please, go to sleep."

_(POUT) "I was asleep, now I'm awake and I can't fall asleep again so I want to talk."_

"But **I** was sleeping just fine."

_(FROWN) "Are you going to answer the question?"_

"Carl...(sigh)...I'm asleep here."

_(BIGGER FROWN) "No you're not, you're talking to me. How can you be talking to me if you're asleep? Are you talking in your sleep?"_

"Yes...I am."

_(SURPRISE) "Really?"_

"No. Go to sleep Carl."

_(POUT) "You're not asleep, you're awake. How hard is it to answer a simple question?"_

(petulantly) "I've answered several simple questions already."

_(RIGHTEOUS) "Well, one more won't kill you. Just tell me...do you think I look fat?"_

(growl) "This minute?"

_(INSISTENT) "Yes! Now, today!"_

(growl) "Carl, remember that bear buggering you mentioned before?"

_(CONFUSED) "Yes."_

(SNARL) "I'm about to go out and find a bear. Think about it, Carl."

_(meek) "Ah! Well...goodnight then, Van Helsing. Sweet dreams. Comfortable? Need another pillow?"_

"Carl..."

_(sigh) "Right. Shutting up."_


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Standard Measurements**

**_Sitting before a fire in the Carpathians, its cold and generally not nice to be outside for all sorts of reasons._**

"Carl, what are you thinking?"

_"Thinking? I don't know...well, of course I **do** know...I just wasn't thinking it in words, perse."_

"Hmm, alright, what were you thinking after you translate it into words?"

_"This and that..."_

"Carl."

_"Well, if you must know, I'm thinking how miserably cold it is and how cold like this is such a...well...er..."_

"Such a...?"

_"Well...you **know**!"_

"I asked, didn't I? I _remember _asking. If I knew..."

_"**Alright**, you have a point." _(sigh)_ "Well, I was just thinking that in warmer climes a man can feel confident...you know? Feel like he was at the head of the line, per se..."_

"Alright... Keep going."

_"Well, I mean I just got back from the bushes and I have to say, I'm disappointed. That's all. I mean I've seen cats with bigger..."_

"Got the picture, Carl. Er...I mean, I understand."

_"Really? It hits you the same way?"_

"No."

_"No! What do you mean No? How could it not? Are you telling me the cold has a different effect on you than every other man in the world?"_

"I don't know about every other man--I don't usually look that closely."

_"Hah Hah! You know what I mean, Van Helsing! Dont deny it! Are you saying if you took Wee Willy out to play..."_

"...Wee Willy? Is that what you named it?"

_"DON'T change the subject! I'm saying it's impossible to be this cold and still be the man you are when it's warm! It's an irrefutable fact of nature!"_

"Hmm. I see."

_"Well, isn't it? I mean I'm not talking pillar of the church here...I'm not talking the back leg of an elephant...or even a good-sized redwood...but I don't have to get a magnifying glass out when I go tinkle normally!"_

"Carl...you weren't out there to look at it, you were out there to relieve yourself, right? What does it matter if you're not at your best when it's cold?"

_"I'm just saying it's disheartening, that's all." _(sulk)_ "I mean, I'm used to having a certain expectation...a certain standard of measurement that I live up to."_

"Trust me, I won't tell anyone if you fall short, Tiny Tim."

_"God, you can be cruel, Gabriel! Just be quiet. Sit over there with your tripod and keep your 'tinys' to yourself."_

"Yes, Fluffy."

_"Fluffy?"_

"You mentioned cats earlier..."

"QUIET!"

(snort)


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Standard Reading**

"Carl, what are you reading?"

"_Hmm? What?"_

"What are you reading?"

"_Oh...well, nothing much? Just a bit of religious material...standard...you know."_

"Standard religious material? You mean the Bible?"

"_Yes, yes, something like that."_

"Oh."

"_Oh? You have a funny tone in your voice, Van Helsing."_

"Well, it's been a while since I read the Bible, but I don't recall sniggering over it."

"_Sniggering!"_

"You...sniggering. You're also clutching it to your chest like a virgin bride."

"_Virgin!"_

"Mmm."

"_You are likening me to a 'sniggering virgin bride'? That's...that's...well..."_

"Disturbing?"

"_Yes! And unlikely! Absolutely!"_

"But you're doing it, Carl. Right now you're looking at me like I've caught you nobbing a tavern maid in the Naive. So unless the Bible has some pretty juicy bits that I don't remember..."

"_Never you mind! You keep your mind on your own bits."_

"Come on, Carl. Your bits look better than mine."

"_No! Hands off my bits! Keep your lascivious paws to yourself!"_

"'Lascivious Paws'?"

"_Yes! Paws! You have lascivious paws, Van Helsing! You're all but baying at the moon!"_

"Hmm. At least my bits aren't trying to turn the page on their own."

_(**Blush**)"What? I don't know what you're talking about!"_

(**Snort**) "Carl?"

"_What!"_

"Can I have it when you're done? I feel the need for some 'religious' instruction."

"_Just go away, Van Helsing!"_

"**Rrrow**!"


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Standard Haircut**

"_No."_

"Carl…."

"_No."_

"It would look better…."

"_No."_

"Why not?"

"_I don't have to have a reason."_

"Hmph. That's not very…"

"_Never mind! I don't care if it's not mature."_

"I can see that."

"_A man's body is his temple."_

"The temple needs some renovation."

"_Ha Ha! No."_

"Pretty please?"

"_What part of 'No' has you puzzled, Gabriel?"_

"The stubborn part. I expect you to stamp your foot any second."

"_I was thinking of a good solid kick, actually. Somewhere in the southern wing of your temple."_

"Ouch. Is that something friars are allowed to do?"

"_I'd be willing to stretch a point."_

"Carl, my hair is too long, I want to cut it. It's my temple and it's getting a spring cleaning. Hand over the scissors."

"_I've seen you cut your hair—we're talking demolition. I'll cut it."_

"Carl…have you checked a mirror lately?"

"_What's that supposed to mean, Gabriel?"_

(sigh) "Nothing. "

"_Hmph. If you didn't wait so long, it wouldn't be such a chore, you know."_

"Forgive me father--it's been 3 months since my last haircut."

"_Hah hah. Joke all you like. It looks better long any way."_

"Carl...I...want...a...hair...cut."

"_Fine. Which one do you want me to cut?"_

"Gimme the scissors."

**TUSSLE--WRESTLE--PANT, PANT--OUCH!**

"_ooops… Well…that's has to hurt. Might want to wear your hair long to cover that up..."_

(GROWL) "Carl.…"


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

* * *

**Standard Lessons**

"Explain to me why were here again?"

_"Cardinal Jinette wants you to learn Latin. It comes in handy, you know."_

(Dryly) "Mmm, I can imagine."

_"It does! And it's a beautiful language. Mass is said in Latin--don't you want to know what they're saying?"_

"Why? They're not praying to me."

_"The prayers are going to God for you."_

"As long as he understands them, that's good enough for me."

_"Of course he understands them."_

"Then what's the problem?"

_(Breathing heavily)"There isn't a problem!"_

(Smirk) "I'm good with that. Can I go now?"

_(GLARE) "NO. You are going to learn standard Latin. You are going to understand the beauty and the mystery of the ritual of Mass if I have to..."_

"All right. Calm down. Mystery, hmm?"

_(Warily)"Yeees..."_

"Won't be very mysterious after I learn it. Sort of like opening God's mail--kind of cheeky, don't you think?"

_"Van Helsing... If you don't know Latin, you won't understand the prayers and you won't understand the lessons in them. You're not perfect, you know."_

"Hmph, Since I'm going to sin anyway, wouldn't it be better not to know? Then, I've got an excuse."

_(Breathing heavily)"Gabriel Van Helsing..."_

"Carl, you're going to pass out, breathing like that. Just think of this as part of the lesson--there are no stupid questions, only inquisitive idiots."

_"You need to know this, Van Helsing, and you are being a very great pain in my posterior about it._

"A friend in need is a pain indeed, eh?"

_"Class dismissed!"_

"Deo Gratius!"


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Standard Fable**

"Once upon a time..."

_"A long time ago?"_

"Yes, a very long time ago..."

_"How long?"_

"It doesn't matter, Carl...it wasn't yesterday, all right?"

_"All right. It just gives me a better idea of the setting, that's all."_

"... There lived a little mouse..."

"No interruptions?"

_"No...little mouse...got it. Very easy to understand."_

"Good. The mouse lived in..."

_"Black or brown?"_

"What?"

_"Was the mouse black or brown?"_

"Hairless. Completely bald. And pink."

_"Oh. Nasty."_

"Carl, you asked for a story. Are you going to let me tell it or not?"

_"Sorry, sorry. Carry on. There was a monster mouse..."_

"Monster mouse?"

_"Pink, hairless...sounds pretty monstrous to me. Sounds mangy."_

_"Gabriel?"_

"... There also lived a big bad snarling wolf."

_"Ah...I can see where this is going"_

"Can you Carl? I want to be absolutely sure you have a clear mental image of what's going to happen to that bald, pink mangy mouse."

_"... Got it, absolutely."_

"Fine. The end."

_"Ah...good story...really. Er..."_

"What?"

_"The wolf?"_

"The wolf...?"

_"Eating a mangy mouse couldn't have agreed with it...got a bit sick I'd imagine. Indigestion at the very least...diarrhea too, probably..."_

"Oh God..."

_"Thank you for the story, Gabriel. Good night."_

(Ulp) "Good night, Carl."


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Raising Standards**

_"Don't you aspire to raising the standard? Becoming better than you were the day before?"_

"Better? In what way?"

_"A better man."_

"Ah... I don't think it's going to get any bigger, Carl."

_(Blush!)"That's NOT what I mean!"_

"Oh. You mean _**me** _getting better?"

_"What? Yes!"_

"Actually, I've got all I can handle right now. Haven't had any complaints anyway."

_"That's not what I mean and you know it! And for the record, I haven't had any complaints either!"_

"Good for you! Now that we both know we don't have substandard standards to raise, that about covers it. At least until we uncover 'em again."

_(Dazedly) "Substandard...what?"_

"You're cute when you're flummoxed."

_"Cute?"_

"In a manly sort of way."

_"I'm not cute! How can cute be manly?"_

"It's a struggle, but you pull it off."

_(Growl!)"Can we get back to the original issue? Don't you aspire to be a better human being?"_

"You mean raise the standard of humanity?"

_"Yes!"_

"Hmm... I always thought that happens when we feel love."

_"Ah... Have you..er..ever raised the standard?"_

"Everyday I'm with you."

_(Smile!)_


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Standards

Author: Kydasam

Rating: G

Pairing: Carl/Gabriel

Series/Sequel: This was posted some time ago and then removed. I thought it might be time to bring it back for another looksee!

Summary: A little drabble with Carl and Gabriel having a discussion about standards

Warning: None

Notes: None

Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sniff), but I do like to play

Feedback: Many thanks to all of the people who originally reviewed this series!

Special thanks to my muse, Archangel Gabriel, the patron saint of the written word.

**

* * *

Standard Reply**

"_Gabriel?"_

"Mph."

"_What?"_

"What what?"

"_You made some sort of noise—a sort of odd noise."_

"No, I didn't."

"_Yes, you did. It sounded like you were having stomach problems or..."_

"'Stomach problems'? How does that sound?"

"_Oh you know..."_

"I don't think so, I wouldn't have asked if I knew, Carl."

_**(Blush)** "Sort of rumbly..."_

"Rummy?"

"_Rumbly! Like...well..."_

"Yes?"

"_Gabriel, this is very embarrassing!"_

"Embarrassing? You think I made an embarrassing noise?"

"_Well...I didn't say that, specifically..."_

"Carl, what did you want?"

"_I just wanted to know if you wanted to go for a walk with me."_

"How did you arrive at embarrassing noises from that?"

_**(Squirm)** "Well, I said your name...and I was expecting some sort of usual reply...just a standard 'yes, Carl' or somesuch and then you did...that."_

"Mmph."

"_There! That's the noise!"_

"No, that's a standard reply, Carl. Replies prompt conversation—rumbly noises make you open a window."

"_Oh. Alright... Er...Gabriel, maybe your going out with me would solve both problems?"_

(Sigh)


End file.
